Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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