I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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