I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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