And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
