why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize