Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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