I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize