Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
