I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
