I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
