I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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