i think my mom watched the whole time
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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