No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
