You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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