I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
