just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize