Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
