i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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