Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
