I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize