Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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