I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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