i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
whose ass print is on the piano?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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