i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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