Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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