I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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