Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize