Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
