broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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