yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize