Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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