Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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