He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
