Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
