I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize