So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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