First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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