if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
