anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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