the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
