You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
