You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
