She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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