Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
