I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
