my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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