I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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