Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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