Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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