Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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