I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
