okay pat passed out under dana's car
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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