i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
