I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
