I want to make a zoo with you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
