Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
