i need an iv and a liver transplant
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
