Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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