The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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