hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
