I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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