dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
