mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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