yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize